I'm addicted to M & M's

I'm really adddicted to M&M's. I fill little cups and take them to my desk and try to eat one at a time so that by the end of the day they equal a little cup instead of a whole bag. I like the blue ones. Sometimes I'll pick two and I make them match. I really like the orange and the blue. The green ones are nice too. There is a girl in the back of the office in billing and she keeps the M&M jar. She and I take turns filling it. I am secretly hoping she would get me my own M&M jar when I leave. Well I guess its not a secret anymore. (oh yeah I got layed off) different blog, maybe tomorrow. I was at home wishing I wouldn't have taken all of the M&M's to work, I would like to have a couple now. I hope I will one day be able to break the habit, I am hoping to lose weight on my next job. thats another blog.

I'm getting smaller

Ok its slow, but so far I've lost 13.4 lbs. I only have 89.8 lbs to go. I know thats seems large, but think of how much I had to lose when I started. I hope some thin person picks it up along they way. I am a little concerned about lent, but I can't quit now, so it will be alot of stir fried vegetables and fish since I am not a big tuna fan. (I have a great stir fry recipe) What amazes me the most is that I am not craving anything I used to eat. If someone said you can have anything you want, I don't even know what I would pick. I guess they are right about taking the cravings away......Go South Beach!

MY HUSBAND HAS AWAKEN FROM HIS COMA

OMG! for 20 years now Valentines day comes and goes without any acknowledgement from my loving spouse. I have always gotten the kids stuff, a little animal with candy or whatever, and for years I included him until one day I said no more, he doesn't get me anything, I'm not getting him anything. So after some conversation that I can't remember correctly, he is amazed and says I must be mistaken, that he must have gotten me something for Valentines day. I asked my daughter, she said I think he brought you flowers once, but I don't know if it was for valentines day, I ask my son, he doesn't remember, he vaguely remembers him bringing flowers home for something. and my loving husband says "I can't believe I could be that insensitive for all these years" I can't stop laughing, although I am speechless.

ITS A NEW YEAR...YIPEE

Its a new year, which means you get another chance at life. A new start. Your slate has been made clean. Its kinda like confession. You can make a break, or whatever it is you need to do. So here is a list in writing of things I want to do.

1) lose weight
2) take time to practice my instrument routinely.
3) visit my dad regularly.
4) get my daughter into college
5) get my son his drivers license
6) paint my kitchen cubboards
7) remodel my bathroom
8) get healthy
9) pray regularly
10) Get a passion for life

Ok, lets talk about number 10, shall we? My sister walked in my house and said, you know what are problems is? (which one I thought) we don't have a passion. I thought for a second and said "you are right". That was easy. Now that we have identified the problem, we can make a plan to solve it. You see, my mother had a passion for life, when she wanted to do something or learn something she was driven until she did it. This includes painting a picture, playing an instrument, losing weight or whatever. She loved life and learning and here we are like lumps, fat and depressed and trying to figure out what the heck the problem is. So you see number 9 and 10 are closely related. We have started praying that the Lord will give us that passion that we are lacking. So please if you begin to notice a change, let me know.

I don't know what to do

I have a job. On my job I am very busy. In order to get all of my work done before I leave I can't do office talk. I have to keep my nose to the grindstone. I have to concentrate because of the multi tasking that I do. The problem that I am having is that it is exhausting. I have to cut people off (nicely) which I am trying to do whether its on the phone or at my window. There is no break until lunch. Then it is a race in the afternoon to get everthing wrapped up so that I leave ontime. The most frustrating part is that everyone is chatting behind me. Sometimes they look stuff up online. Sometimes they have small talk, I know I can't join in because I will pay for it later in the day. Now I have to listen enough so that I don't miss something I need to know, but I really don't want to listen to all their BS when my nose is to the grindstone, frankly it pisses me off. I find myself singing " should I stay or should I go now" remember that song? I am going to give it some time before I decide. I am actually hoping something else opens up at a different office, so I might be willing to stick it out. Or I might need to look for another job (yuck) I am a social person, so I do have to work at not joining in on conversations. I sometimes throw in a one liner, but I really don't think they care anyway. One good thing, I don't have to buy Christmas presents for people I hardly talk to.

LET THE SHOPPING BEGIN

Ok, call me crazy, but I love to shop the day after Thanksgiving. I love the madness, the pushing and shoving and running toward the one deal you've gotta have. It makes me laugh. This year I am going with my daughter and my sister is going to meet up with us. The store opens at 6. I am not shopping for anything particular, well lets say it won't kill me if I don't get it. Then we will make our way over to Joanne fabrics because we have coupons that need to be used by 9am. I know this seems absolutely nuts, but I can do one better.

I have a husband who hates to shop, who is right now at this moment at 3:31 AM, yes folks thats AM (and what I am doin up at this point, was to call them to make sure they didn't fall asleep in the car) anyway he is with my son outside a circuit city numbers 3 and 4 with a voucher for a computer for 300.00. Now, the original plan was best buy for 200, but when they got there, now pay attention, when they got there at like 1 in the morning there were 100 people in line. 2 college girls are the first in line and they have been there for 2 days. Ok I like the adventure, but I'll pay the extra hundred, and all the upfront stuff because you have to do rebates, just so I don't have to camp out for days. So anyway the point is my husband and son are out there bonding and doing what men do I guess, because the kid decided to sell his laptop and now wants a computer for Christmas (laptop not sold yet). They sounded like they were having fun.....and making a memory.
Well I better sleep because my daughter and I have some memories to make in about one hour.

Let the madness begin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe it

I blogged a huge one, and I lost it, so I did it again. I came in to see it today and its not there. I can't believe it. I have to go to bed now, but I will have to re-write it when I get a chance. I can't believe it.

I hate being SICK

I hate being sick, whats worse is when you're not better, but not as sick as you were. Not well enough to go to work, and not well enough to get something done while you are home. there are things I want to do but my head still hurts just thinking about it. I really like being on the Grand Jury, and I will miss is tomorrow because I am inbetween sick and well.

I just want to breathe out of both nostrils at the same time, and to think last week I was whining because I wouldn't have a patio before winter.

She Was Right

At my mothers wake, my aunt came up to me and said " you will miss her everyday for the rest of your life". She was right. Its only been a year and 1/2, but she is right. She must know this because she lost her mother. I remember looking at her and trying to imagine that, because I have trouble imagining the rest of my life to begin with. There are people that I miss like my grandfather (surprisingly, because I was only five), but there are times that I have cried because I wish he was here with us seeing what we are all like all grown up. I miss my baba, (my fathers mother) and I wish I would have been older when died, I would have liked to sit and talk with her, I have so many questions. My heart still hurts when I think of George, a friend of the family that killed himself. I feel so bad that nobody could reach him to help him, and he must have been in so much emotional turmoil. I miss Patrick and his goofy jokes, and I always notice his absence. These are are fleeting feelings that wash over me, but the hole that this left, that I feel, because my mother is not here to see things seems to stay with me all the time. With every note Justine sings, with every instrument Michael plays I feel the pain of her not being here. Somehow its not comforting knowing that she can see all this and is very proud. I know she would be proud, they didn't even have to be good at something and she cheered them on. I have great memories and so do my kids. I hope the pain lessens as the years go by, my mother always told me I was too emotional and that as I got older I would not be so emotional, but this was the same mother who told me that it was baby fat and I would lose that too. She meant well.

ARLENE ! YOU CAN HAVE YOUR JOB BACK

Yikes, my job has become unbearable. Everyone is moody and has an attitude. I admit sometimes I slow on the uptake, but I usually come through. I can't fit all the work into an 8 hour day, and then have other people ask me to help them do theirs. I am seriously trying to figure out if its me, (because, brace yourself.....I'm not perfect). I've even tried just being quiet and not getting involved in conversations (not that I have time to chit chat alot anyway) Just really concentrating on my work so I can get it all done. All I want to do is cry when I'm there. If this goes on like this for a long time I will be looking for another job. I seriously don't know what they want from me. My "devaluation" is coming up, I guess I'll find out.

no title today I don't feel like having one.

I just read Nikols blog, I would love to give you the link, but I can't figure out how to do any of that yet. In the short, its about the routine of life, I can relate so well. Life becomes dull and routine with moments of fun, and sometimes there is nothing to look forward to. I wonder if thats depression. I want to be one of those people who love life and look forward to every day, I want to do fun things (if I could actually think of something fun). I want to be like that saying

Lifes journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well
preserved body; but rather to skid in sideways, tires smoking
totally amped up shouting "holy shit....what a ride!".

I suppose thats why I want to get a tattoo with my daughter! I wonder what else I could do, I really wanted to be a hippi but I was too young.

I'm not old yet

Well my little girl turns 18 tomorrow. Funny, but it just makes me laugh. I don't feel old, and I'm not sad, its just a natural progression of life. I have loved every minute of raising her (not that I'm done really). She was a great baby, only cried when she needed something (or was wet), oh I take that back, when her two front teeth came in she kept me up for 2 weeks, thats ok honey I forgive you. Except for all the emotional girl stuff, the crying and whining (which I think she gets from me) even the teenage years were good. I've told both of my children that they will need therapy from something that I've done wrong, but I don't know what that will be. (otherwise I would change it) My son has already asked for therapy, I think he wants to get a jump on it.

So for my daughters 18th birthday and my pending 50th, she wants to get matching butterfly tattoos in rememberance of my mother. My mother loved butterflies, but I gotta tell ya I don't think she was a big fan of tattoos. But I think I might give it a go if I don't chicken out, I don't think she can yell at me from heaven. Can she?

I don't know

If you could have anything you want what would you want? Somebody asked me this. My mind was a blank. Heck, I want alot of stuff, but if I really had to pick something what would it be. I said "I don't know". I'm thinkin how could you not know what you want. I have been pondering this question some 24 hours now. (I'm sure I thought about it in my sleep, because I was very tired when I got up for church this morning.) So I asked my husband "the question", and he said "oh you mean besides a million dollars and world peace"? He said a vacation and fix the bathroom and kitchen. I decided to make a list.

Things I want

1) tamburas for my family, so they won't be borrowed and have all the baggage that comes with borrowing expensive items, and in some cases better sounding.
* I don't know why I'm saying why I want it. I'll try to control that.

2) More room in my house. (like a family room)

3) New furniture.

4) New clothes to put on a thinner body.

5) family vacation

6) I would like to be able to afford a social life ie: go out to dinner with friends, go to the movies, or go to a theatre to see live shows (I would like to be able to take my daughter to live shows)

*(not necessarily in that order)

Ok, so I know where this is going. I need to set a goal, and work toward some of this stuff. But here is what I see as my obstacle.

Things I need.
1) new hot water tank
2) a new bathtub and tile on the walls.
3) school fees and all the things that come with that.
4) I have to go to the periodontist and insurance does not cover that (maybe I could just have them pulled).
5) The cars need oil changes and one needs a wheel alignment before winter. (no license plates until February)

I'm sure that there is more, but I've made my point. There are so many things that I need that I try not to think about what I want. It depresses me. I guess I could use some ideas of things I could want. Maybe there is something that I stuffed down deep inside me so long ago that I can't remember that I ever wanted it. I know that sounds pathetic, and I don't mean it to be, it just is what it is. It could be the reason I don't know.

My Dad is 85

Well my dad turned 85 today. He looks good for 85, but as he puts it, he is rotting from the inside out. Last year we took him to Tony Romas for dinner. So this year we asked him where he wanted to go, Longhorn?, oh no he said thats too expensive for everyone (not really or we wouldn't have offered) He said Ponderosa, I said well what about theGolden Coral, thinking thats much better than Ponderosa, and he said "oh no, thats way too much walking, and there are too many choices". So Ponderosa it was. 15 in all including Morgan. So what do you get an 85 year old who is waiting to meet his maker? Pie and money. My kids got him 4 pieces of pie from Baker Square and I gave him money, so did everyone else. Then we went back to his place and hung out for awhile. Happy Birthday Dad.

Oh yeah, I told him my dream. He really laughed. He like the part about a food court. I wonder if the have a Ponderosa!

I FINALLY HAD A DREAM

My mother has come to both of my children in a dream. I know this because of the way the dream happened with Mike. He dreams he is at a family function and she is standing there smiling at him. With Justine, I had been to a psychic (that whole story is another blog) and the psychic said she had only been to visit one person. When I got home Justine told me that she had a dream that my mother came to her and said she loved her and was very proud of her. When these things happen, you know that she came to them, its a knowing, like when you know its the Holy Spirit. She visited my sister, and she could smell her perfume. I love all of this because it really makes me feel like she is still with us. But....I rarely dream anymore, and I was wondering if she would ever show up in one of my dreams. Well could I have one of those dreams..........LOL noooooooo! My dream is this. My mother comes to me and says, "your father died". I said, Mom I'm looking at him and he's fine. My Dad says, oh no I'm dead, I willed it. Ok now in my dream I have this really confused look on my face because I can feel the look on my face(brow furrowed, one eyebrow up....you know the look) and my mother says you have to help me take him with me. So all of a sudden we are in this building walking down a really wide hall, like in a mall, and there are these rooms with hospital beds in them on the left. There are doubles and some singles, some have people in them and some don't. I'm thinking this can't be heaven, or the waiting place until heaven. My dad says "do you think we can get a room together"? I'm thinking...this is not right then I look to my right and its like a food court, and I said to the cashier at one of the places, do you work here? and she said yes there is alot of work to do. I said to my mom, there is a cafeteria here? and she gave me one of her looks when she doesn't particularly like something and said, yeah its not that good. END OF DREAM. I think I got ripped, this was a dream of confusion and weirdness lol, oh wait thats just like my life.

A Day In My Life

My son doesn't want to get up,(to work with his cousin) I have half sewn Meidevil clothes strewn about my house, I'm sleepy and don't feel like going to work. BUT..........I have food in the fridge, I am driving a car that will actually stop when I brake, and my bills are paid on time, with money in the bank. Life is good.

My sister is coming home

disclaimer: These are the feelings of the writer, they are not endorsed by anyone specific, you cannot get mad at the writer for feelings, because you cannot help what you feel you can only control how you act upon them. Any questions or comments are to be directed to the comment section of this blog. Thank you, enjoy the emotional mess that you are about to read.

My sister is moving home from Texas, she closed on the sale of her house and got divorced all in one day. She left when I was 13 and she was 24. Over the years we have gotten to know each other, but since my mother is no longer with us it really means alot that she is coming home. I can't explain it, but everytime I think of her coming home I cry. Maybe because I feel so alone sometimes, maybe because I have always wanted her to come home, and maybe because as I get older I just need her. I think its like when my mom was dying and she flew in, when she walked into the room I started crying and she hugged me and said "Its ok I'm here now".
I feel really bad for her daughters, this is hard on them. I saw this coming, but I see things from a different point of view. I wish they could all come too, because we missed out on so much of their lives living so far apart, but I understand they reasoning behind why one cannot leave, and she is right in her decision. One of the others I would like to drag up here kicking and screaming if I must, but purely for selfish reasons, I just want as much family here where I can see them. (and don't tell her but she would love it, I could even teach her to drive in the snow). She could dance kolos with Justine while Greg, Mike, Me, and her mom (and Pete and Nisi and Nathan, and Jake and Nikol, and especially Aunt Mickey) play music. Every Tuesday Mara!!!!!! ooops I said her name. well I don't think she reads this anyway, Justine said she would be glad to share her room with her until she gets on her feet.
Oh my gosh this could be so much fun!!!!!!! but don't tell her I said that!

OH MY JOB

Well, now I know why they kept asking if I was coming back tomorrow. Its busy, and crazy well I really need to work 9 hours a day to get everything done. This is what I am sure of so far. Tuesdays and Thursdays are my least favorite days of the week, I actually hated yesterday and couldn't wait to leave. Wednesdays and Fridays are the best days and my memory is not what it used to be, basically good for sh__! But, everyone is very nice about it. None of the doctors have given me a hard time, and now I've been there long enough that even if they did it wouldn't bother me. I can't imagine working at this pace for the next 10 years. I know some people have time to check their email at work etc. not only are we not allowed to but I wouldn't have a minute to do it. Just to go to lunch we turn the phones over to the answering service, but the patients keep coming. Maybe I am getting experience for something else in my future. I really like the people I work with so that makes it ok, but the minute I sit down when I get home I fall asleep. Lately I have been so busy that I don't even get home until 9 or 9:30. I guess I am still adjusting.

Bye Arlene and Thanks for the Job

Well today was my last day of work at the hospital. I enjoyed the clowning around, people giving me a hard time, all in fun today. They all brought in food and we had a really nice (and healthy) lunch. I will certainly miss a lot of people, I almost cried a couple of times, but I will go out for drinks with them, so I can still see some of them, I think they go monthly. Then I raced home to change because Arlene, the woman I am replacing is retiring and the office was taking her out for dinner.

I know a couple of blogs back...I decided that God didn't like me! and that I hated interviews etc., but I am in awe of the fact that the more I get to know the people in the office the more I believe that in spite of all my whining and crying, God gave me a great job with wonderful people. The more I am there the more I realize my job was truly heaven sent. I am really excited about it and I laugh everyday. Half of the office is old St. John people, which is incredible. I talked with a gal tonight that I just found out worked there occasionally and she said something that made alot of sense. She said as corny as it sounds, we had something so special at that old hospital that it bound us together like a family. We have the same values, we had fun, and we were raised by a bunch of women in white caps and nylons, and bright white shoes. We had respect for them. and when we run into each other its like we never missed a beat, we are right back in that old hospital, so Arlene, thanks for the job and enjoy your retirement.

A Rambling Thought Poem

I love my kids
I love my life
even though its filled with strife.

I like my job
lots of people to meet
the drug reps bring us things to eat.

my car is old
I love my spouse
but I could use a bigger house

at the end of the day
when a million thoughts are in my head
all I really want, is to be in my bed.

the end