She Was Right

At my mothers wake, my aunt came up to me and said " you will miss her everyday for the rest of your life". She was right. Its only been a year and 1/2, but she is right. She must know this because she lost her mother. I remember looking at her and trying to imagine that, because I have trouble imagining the rest of my life to begin with. There are people that I miss like my grandfather (surprisingly, because I was only five), but there are times that I have cried because I wish he was here with us seeing what we are all like all grown up. I miss my baba, (my fathers mother) and I wish I would have been older when died, I would have liked to sit and talk with her, I have so many questions. My heart still hurts when I think of George, a friend of the family that killed himself. I feel so bad that nobody could reach him to help him, and he must have been in so much emotional turmoil. I miss Patrick and his goofy jokes, and I always notice his absence. These are are fleeting feelings that wash over me, but the hole that this left, that I feel, because my mother is not here to see things seems to stay with me all the time. With every note Justine sings, with every instrument Michael plays I feel the pain of her not being here. Somehow its not comforting knowing that she can see all this and is very proud. I know she would be proud, they didn't even have to be good at something and she cheered them on. I have great memories and so do my kids. I hope the pain lessens as the years go by, my mother always told me I was too emotional and that as I got older I would not be so emotional, but this was the same mother who told me that it was baby fat and I would lose that too. She meant well.

ARLENE ! YOU CAN HAVE YOUR JOB BACK

Yikes, my job has become unbearable. Everyone is moody and has an attitude. I admit sometimes I slow on the uptake, but I usually come through. I can't fit all the work into an 8 hour day, and then have other people ask me to help them do theirs. I am seriously trying to figure out if its me, (because, brace yourself.....I'm not perfect). I've even tried just being quiet and not getting involved in conversations (not that I have time to chit chat alot anyway) Just really concentrating on my work so I can get it all done. All I want to do is cry when I'm there. If this goes on like this for a long time I will be looking for another job. I seriously don't know what they want from me. My "devaluation" is coming up, I guess I'll find out.

no title today I don't feel like having one.

I just read Nikols blog, I would love to give you the link, but I can't figure out how to do any of that yet. In the short, its about the routine of life, I can relate so well. Life becomes dull and routine with moments of fun, and sometimes there is nothing to look forward to. I wonder if thats depression. I want to be one of those people who love life and look forward to every day, I want to do fun things (if I could actually think of something fun). I want to be like that saying

Lifes journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well
preserved body; but rather to skid in sideways, tires smoking
totally amped up shouting "holy shit....what a ride!".

I suppose thats why I want to get a tattoo with my daughter! I wonder what else I could do, I really wanted to be a hippi but I was too young.

I'm not old yet

Well my little girl turns 18 tomorrow. Funny, but it just makes me laugh. I don't feel old, and I'm not sad, its just a natural progression of life. I have loved every minute of raising her (not that I'm done really). She was a great baby, only cried when she needed something (or was wet), oh I take that back, when her two front teeth came in she kept me up for 2 weeks, thats ok honey I forgive you. Except for all the emotional girl stuff, the crying and whining (which I think she gets from me) even the teenage years were good. I've told both of my children that they will need therapy from something that I've done wrong, but I don't know what that will be. (otherwise I would change it) My son has already asked for therapy, I think he wants to get a jump on it.

So for my daughters 18th birthday and my pending 50th, she wants to get matching butterfly tattoos in rememberance of my mother. My mother loved butterflies, but I gotta tell ya I don't think she was a big fan of tattoos. But I think I might give it a go if I don't chicken out, I don't think she can yell at me from heaven. Can she?