I don't know what to do

I have a job. On my job I am very busy. In order to get all of my work done before I leave I can't do office talk. I have to keep my nose to the grindstone. I have to concentrate because of the multi tasking that I do. The problem that I am having is that it is exhausting. I have to cut people off (nicely) which I am trying to do whether its on the phone or at my window. There is no break until lunch. Then it is a race in the afternoon to get everthing wrapped up so that I leave ontime. The most frustrating part is that everyone is chatting behind me. Sometimes they look stuff up online. Sometimes they have small talk, I know I can't join in because I will pay for it later in the day. Now I have to listen enough so that I don't miss something I need to know, but I really don't want to listen to all their BS when my nose is to the grindstone, frankly it pisses me off. I find myself singing " should I stay or should I go now" remember that song? I am going to give it some time before I decide. I am actually hoping something else opens up at a different office, so I might be willing to stick it out. Or I might need to look for another job (yuck) I am a social person, so I do have to work at not joining in on conversations. I sometimes throw in a one liner, but I really don't think they care anyway. One good thing, I don't have to buy Christmas presents for people I hardly talk to.

LET THE SHOPPING BEGIN

Ok, call me crazy, but I love to shop the day after Thanksgiving. I love the madness, the pushing and shoving and running toward the one deal you've gotta have. It makes me laugh. This year I am going with my daughter and my sister is going to meet up with us. The store opens at 6. I am not shopping for anything particular, well lets say it won't kill me if I don't get it. Then we will make our way over to Joanne fabrics because we have coupons that need to be used by 9am. I know this seems absolutely nuts, but I can do one better.

I have a husband who hates to shop, who is right now at this moment at 3:31 AM, yes folks thats AM (and what I am doin up at this point, was to call them to make sure they didn't fall asleep in the car) anyway he is with my son outside a circuit city numbers 3 and 4 with a voucher for a computer for 300.00. Now, the original plan was best buy for 200, but when they got there, now pay attention, when they got there at like 1 in the morning there were 100 people in line. 2 college girls are the first in line and they have been there for 2 days. Ok I like the adventure, but I'll pay the extra hundred, and all the upfront stuff because you have to do rebates, just so I don't have to camp out for days. So anyway the point is my husband and son are out there bonding and doing what men do I guess, because the kid decided to sell his laptop and now wants a computer for Christmas (laptop not sold yet). They sounded like they were having fun.....and making a memory.
Well I better sleep because my daughter and I have some memories to make in about one hour.

Let the madness begin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe it

I blogged a huge one, and I lost it, so I did it again. I came in to see it today and its not there. I can't believe it. I have to go to bed now, but I will have to re-write it when I get a chance. I can't believe it.

I hate being SICK

I hate being sick, whats worse is when you're not better, but not as sick as you were. Not well enough to go to work, and not well enough to get something done while you are home. there are things I want to do but my head still hurts just thinking about it. I really like being on the Grand Jury, and I will miss is tomorrow because I am inbetween sick and well.

I just want to breathe out of both nostrils at the same time, and to think last week I was whining because I wouldn't have a patio before winter.

She Was Right

At my mothers wake, my aunt came up to me and said " you will miss her everyday for the rest of your life". She was right. Its only been a year and 1/2, but she is right. She must know this because she lost her mother. I remember looking at her and trying to imagine that, because I have trouble imagining the rest of my life to begin with. There are people that I miss like my grandfather (surprisingly, because I was only five), but there are times that I have cried because I wish he was here with us seeing what we are all like all grown up. I miss my baba, (my fathers mother) and I wish I would have been older when died, I would have liked to sit and talk with her, I have so many questions. My heart still hurts when I think of George, a friend of the family that killed himself. I feel so bad that nobody could reach him to help him, and he must have been in so much emotional turmoil. I miss Patrick and his goofy jokes, and I always notice his absence. These are are fleeting feelings that wash over me, but the hole that this left, that I feel, because my mother is not here to see things seems to stay with me all the time. With every note Justine sings, with every instrument Michael plays I feel the pain of her not being here. Somehow its not comforting knowing that she can see all this and is very proud. I know she would be proud, they didn't even have to be good at something and she cheered them on. I have great memories and so do my kids. I hope the pain lessens as the years go by, my mother always told me I was too emotional and that as I got older I would not be so emotional, but this was the same mother who told me that it was baby fat and I would lose that too. She meant well.

ARLENE ! YOU CAN HAVE YOUR JOB BACK

Yikes, my job has become unbearable. Everyone is moody and has an attitude. I admit sometimes I slow on the uptake, but I usually come through. I can't fit all the work into an 8 hour day, and then have other people ask me to help them do theirs. I am seriously trying to figure out if its me, (because, brace yourself.....I'm not perfect). I've even tried just being quiet and not getting involved in conversations (not that I have time to chit chat alot anyway) Just really concentrating on my work so I can get it all done. All I want to do is cry when I'm there. If this goes on like this for a long time I will be looking for another job. I seriously don't know what they want from me. My "devaluation" is coming up, I guess I'll find out.

no title today I don't feel like having one.

I just read Nikols blog, I would love to give you the link, but I can't figure out how to do any of that yet. In the short, its about the routine of life, I can relate so well. Life becomes dull and routine with moments of fun, and sometimes there is nothing to look forward to. I wonder if thats depression. I want to be one of those people who love life and look forward to every day, I want to do fun things (if I could actually think of something fun). I want to be like that saying

Lifes journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well
preserved body; but rather to skid in sideways, tires smoking
totally amped up shouting "holy shit....what a ride!".

I suppose thats why I want to get a tattoo with my daughter! I wonder what else I could do, I really wanted to be a hippi but I was too young.

I'm not old yet

Well my little girl turns 18 tomorrow. Funny, but it just makes me laugh. I don't feel old, and I'm not sad, its just a natural progression of life. I have loved every minute of raising her (not that I'm done really). She was a great baby, only cried when she needed something (or was wet), oh I take that back, when her two front teeth came in she kept me up for 2 weeks, thats ok honey I forgive you. Except for all the emotional girl stuff, the crying and whining (which I think she gets from me) even the teenage years were good. I've told both of my children that they will need therapy from something that I've done wrong, but I don't know what that will be. (otherwise I would change it) My son has already asked for therapy, I think he wants to get a jump on it.

So for my daughters 18th birthday and my pending 50th, she wants to get matching butterfly tattoos in rememberance of my mother. My mother loved butterflies, but I gotta tell ya I don't think she was a big fan of tattoos. But I think I might give it a go if I don't chicken out, I don't think she can yell at me from heaven. Can she?

I don't know

If you could have anything you want what would you want? Somebody asked me this. My mind was a blank. Heck, I want alot of stuff, but if I really had to pick something what would it be. I said "I don't know". I'm thinkin how could you not know what you want. I have been pondering this question some 24 hours now. (I'm sure I thought about it in my sleep, because I was very tired when I got up for church this morning.) So I asked my husband "the question", and he said "oh you mean besides a million dollars and world peace"? He said a vacation and fix the bathroom and kitchen. I decided to make a list.

Things I want

1) tamburas for my family, so they won't be borrowed and have all the baggage that comes with borrowing expensive items, and in some cases better sounding.
* I don't know why I'm saying why I want it. I'll try to control that.

2) More room in my house. (like a family room)

3) New furniture.

4) New clothes to put on a thinner body.

5) family vacation

6) I would like to be able to afford a social life ie: go out to dinner with friends, go to the movies, or go to a theatre to see live shows (I would like to be able to take my daughter to live shows)

*(not necessarily in that order)

Ok, so I know where this is going. I need to set a goal, and work toward some of this stuff. But here is what I see as my obstacle.

Things I need.
1) new hot water tank
2) a new bathtub and tile on the walls.
3) school fees and all the things that come with that.
4) I have to go to the periodontist and insurance does not cover that (maybe I could just have them pulled).
5) The cars need oil changes and one needs a wheel alignment before winter. (no license plates until February)

I'm sure that there is more, but I've made my point. There are so many things that I need that I try not to think about what I want. It depresses me. I guess I could use some ideas of things I could want. Maybe there is something that I stuffed down deep inside me so long ago that I can't remember that I ever wanted it. I know that sounds pathetic, and I don't mean it to be, it just is what it is. It could be the reason I don't know.

My Dad is 85

Well my dad turned 85 today. He looks good for 85, but as he puts it, he is rotting from the inside out. Last year we took him to Tony Romas for dinner. So this year we asked him where he wanted to go, Longhorn?, oh no he said thats too expensive for everyone (not really or we wouldn't have offered) He said Ponderosa, I said well what about theGolden Coral, thinking thats much better than Ponderosa, and he said "oh no, thats way too much walking, and there are too many choices". So Ponderosa it was. 15 in all including Morgan. So what do you get an 85 year old who is waiting to meet his maker? Pie and money. My kids got him 4 pieces of pie from Baker Square and I gave him money, so did everyone else. Then we went back to his place and hung out for awhile. Happy Birthday Dad.

Oh yeah, I told him my dream. He really laughed. He like the part about a food court. I wonder if the have a Ponderosa!

I FINALLY HAD A DREAM

My mother has come to both of my children in a dream. I know this because of the way the dream happened with Mike. He dreams he is at a family function and she is standing there smiling at him. With Justine, I had been to a psychic (that whole story is another blog) and the psychic said she had only been to visit one person. When I got home Justine told me that she had a dream that my mother came to her and said she loved her and was very proud of her. When these things happen, you know that she came to them, its a knowing, like when you know its the Holy Spirit. She visited my sister, and she could smell her perfume. I love all of this because it really makes me feel like she is still with us. But....I rarely dream anymore, and I was wondering if she would ever show up in one of my dreams. Well could I have one of those dreams..........LOL noooooooo! My dream is this. My mother comes to me and says, "your father died". I said, Mom I'm looking at him and he's fine. My Dad says, oh no I'm dead, I willed it. Ok now in my dream I have this really confused look on my face because I can feel the look on my face(brow furrowed, one eyebrow up....you know the look) and my mother says you have to help me take him with me. So all of a sudden we are in this building walking down a really wide hall, like in a mall, and there are these rooms with hospital beds in them on the left. There are doubles and some singles, some have people in them and some don't. I'm thinking this can't be heaven, or the waiting place until heaven. My dad says "do you think we can get a room together"? I'm thinking...this is not right then I look to my right and its like a food court, and I said to the cashier at one of the places, do you work here? and she said yes there is alot of work to do. I said to my mom, there is a cafeteria here? and she gave me one of her looks when she doesn't particularly like something and said, yeah its not that good. END OF DREAM. I think I got ripped, this was a dream of confusion and weirdness lol, oh wait thats just like my life.

A Day In My Life

My son doesn't want to get up,(to work with his cousin) I have half sewn Meidevil clothes strewn about my house, I'm sleepy and don't feel like going to work. BUT..........I have food in the fridge, I am driving a car that will actually stop when I brake, and my bills are paid on time, with money in the bank. Life is good.

My sister is coming home

disclaimer: These are the feelings of the writer, they are not endorsed by anyone specific, you cannot get mad at the writer for feelings, because you cannot help what you feel you can only control how you act upon them. Any questions or comments are to be directed to the comment section of this blog. Thank you, enjoy the emotional mess that you are about to read.

My sister is moving home from Texas, she closed on the sale of her house and got divorced all in one day. She left when I was 13 and she was 24. Over the years we have gotten to know each other, but since my mother is no longer with us it really means alot that she is coming home. I can't explain it, but everytime I think of her coming home I cry. Maybe because I feel so alone sometimes, maybe because I have always wanted her to come home, and maybe because as I get older I just need her. I think its like when my mom was dying and she flew in, when she walked into the room I started crying and she hugged me and said "Its ok I'm here now".
I feel really bad for her daughters, this is hard on them. I saw this coming, but I see things from a different point of view. I wish they could all come too, because we missed out on so much of their lives living so far apart, but I understand they reasoning behind why one cannot leave, and she is right in her decision. One of the others I would like to drag up here kicking and screaming if I must, but purely for selfish reasons, I just want as much family here where I can see them. (and don't tell her but she would love it, I could even teach her to drive in the snow). She could dance kolos with Justine while Greg, Mike, Me, and her mom (and Pete and Nisi and Nathan, and Jake and Nikol, and especially Aunt Mickey) play music. Every Tuesday Mara!!!!!! ooops I said her name. well I don't think she reads this anyway, Justine said she would be glad to share her room with her until she gets on her feet.
Oh my gosh this could be so much fun!!!!!!! but don't tell her I said that!

OH MY JOB

Well, now I know why they kept asking if I was coming back tomorrow. Its busy, and crazy well I really need to work 9 hours a day to get everything done. This is what I am sure of so far. Tuesdays and Thursdays are my least favorite days of the week, I actually hated yesterday and couldn't wait to leave. Wednesdays and Fridays are the best days and my memory is not what it used to be, basically good for sh__! But, everyone is very nice about it. None of the doctors have given me a hard time, and now I've been there long enough that even if they did it wouldn't bother me. I can't imagine working at this pace for the next 10 years. I know some people have time to check their email at work etc. not only are we not allowed to but I wouldn't have a minute to do it. Just to go to lunch we turn the phones over to the answering service, but the patients keep coming. Maybe I am getting experience for something else in my future. I really like the people I work with so that makes it ok, but the minute I sit down when I get home I fall asleep. Lately I have been so busy that I don't even get home until 9 or 9:30. I guess I am still adjusting.

Bye Arlene and Thanks for the Job

Well today was my last day of work at the hospital. I enjoyed the clowning around, people giving me a hard time, all in fun today. They all brought in food and we had a really nice (and healthy) lunch. I will certainly miss a lot of people, I almost cried a couple of times, but I will go out for drinks with them, so I can still see some of them, I think they go monthly. Then I raced home to change because Arlene, the woman I am replacing is retiring and the office was taking her out for dinner.

I know a couple of blogs back...I decided that God didn't like me! and that I hated interviews etc., but I am in awe of the fact that the more I get to know the people in the office the more I believe that in spite of all my whining and crying, God gave me a great job with wonderful people. The more I am there the more I realize my job was truly heaven sent. I am really excited about it and I laugh everyday. Half of the office is old St. John people, which is incredible. I talked with a gal tonight that I just found out worked there occasionally and she said something that made alot of sense. She said as corny as it sounds, we had something so special at that old hospital that it bound us together like a family. We have the same values, we had fun, and we were raised by a bunch of women in white caps and nylons, and bright white shoes. We had respect for them. and when we run into each other its like we never missed a beat, we are right back in that old hospital, so Arlene, thanks for the job and enjoy your retirement.

A Rambling Thought Poem

I love my kids
I love my life
even though its filled with strife.

I like my job
lots of people to meet
the drug reps bring us things to eat.

my car is old
I love my spouse
but I could use a bigger house

at the end of the day
when a million thoughts are in my head
all I really want, is to be in my bed.

the end

Ok So I Took The Quiz

I bit....I took the color quiz, I gotta tell ya I am amazed at the results.

Your Existing Situation

Needs, and insists on having, a close and understanding relationship, or at least some
method of satisfying a compulsion to feel identified.

Your Stress Sources

Unfulfilled expectations have led to uncertainly and an apprehensive watchfulness. Badly needs to feel secure and protected against further disappointment, being passed over, or losing standing and prestige. (I'm not so sure about the losing standing and prestige part) Doubtful
that things will be any better in the future, but inclined nevertheless to make exaggerated demands or reject compromise.

Your Restrained Characteristics

The situation is preventing her from establishing herself, but she feels she must make the best of things as they are.

Feels trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation and seeking some way of gaining relief.
Able to achieve satisfaction from sexual activity (rreeaaalllly!!!!!!, well that can't be a bad thing)

Your Desired Objective

Longs for tenderness and for a sensitivity of feeling into which she can blend. Responsive to anything esthetic and tasteful.

Your Actual Problem (you mean there's just one?)

Disappointment at the non-fulfillment of her hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety. (is this God giving this test, because nobody could be that accurate) She is trying to escape from this into a peaceful and harmonious relationship, protecting her from dissatisfaction and lack of appreciation. wow

Your Actual Problem #2 I don't know about you but I thought the first problem was enough for a lifetime.

Needs to achieve a stable and peaceful condition, enabling her to free herself of the worry that she may be prevented from achieving all the things she wants.

Ok, so here are my thoughts about this test. Damn, whoever this color quiz person is, is going to be my next therapist.

My New Job

I was at my new job for 1 day. If the rest of my days there are anything like this one day, I will be very happy. The drug reps brought us cookies, of which I tried not to eat them, but I lost and had 2. I could not eat only 1/2 a cookie, I know only one person who has that capability. (of course she might go back later and eat the other half and we just don't know it) He was a cheery kinda guy and said to me, "I hope to see more of you", well I said "You cannot see more of me.....this is all there is of me.....there is no more of me." He replied, surrounded by laughter...."you'll fit in here just fine". I discovered an interesting thing about drug reps. They all look like they just stepped out of a magazine. Impeccibly dressed, really nice diamonds on the girls fingers, perfect hair, and thin bodies, and they bring drugs and goodies and sometimes lunch.

Oh here is something fun about my job, and it shows what a small world this truly is. We have a really nice girl in our office named Jennifer. Well it just so happens that Jennifer is going to marry Ned, a serbian guy from St. Sava's. (the office manager told me only one Slava per office, but thats ok because Greg never picked one for us to celebrate). so we are looking through a magazine for scrubs (because thats what you do when all the patients leave, and you are going through the mail) and she said there is a scrub shop thats really cheap but its in Garfield Hts., I said oh my sister lives in Garfield and used to work for a scrub shop there, I wonder if thats the one, and my neice still works there. Naturally she inquired where in Garfield she lived and I said on Sunset and she casually said, Oh my friend Miki lives down there.....................................as in my niece Miki?
Its a small world afterall! and then I just happened to have a picture of Morgan on my cell phone. So....Miki and Jennifer are friends. Which reminds me I have to call and tell her.

Well I have to go get dressed for work now. The hospital job, not the office job. I don't start there full time until May 2. Until then i train on my days off.

HEY! I am starting to wake up. Coffee is good.

I'm so sleepy

I meant to write last night, but I got home from work around 4 and I was home alone. So I had a snack and seperated the mail. I talked to Joanne and Greg on the phone and took a nap. A nap that I just woke up from about 1/2 hour ago.(Its 5:30am) I slept 11 hours and could go back to bed. But heres the thing....you know the thing? There is always a thing, its never just out there, there is always a thing with it. ok here is the thing, so far I feel the same as if I only got 5 hours of sleep. Sleep 11 feel like you got 5. You know, I don't have to feel perfect and I can deal with a little pain here and there, but I do need to be awake to live my life.....I have a physical May 1st.

I'm better now

Ok, I'm better now. I hope I didn't scare anyone. Although I'm still breaking out in hives and itching, I don't know what thats all about. I way too tired to say anymore, I had family band practice and my eyes are closing and I have to get up at 5 and after work I have church. I'm sleeping in on Thursday. I can't form anymore thoughts, none that make any sense anyway.

I'm numb

I am totally baffled by my life. I just talked to the guy who does my taxes and joyfully said "how much am I getting", and he said "you're on the other side of the street". I will owe somewhere around $1000.00. Honestly if I didn't have kids, I'd jump. and here's the thing. Its so easy for people to say, be greatful for what you have. I have always been greatful for what I have. I have good kids, besides the everyday crap we all put up with, they are really good kids and i like them. I like my husband (most days). I own a home, its not great but like everyone said Its mine....can't argue that. Am I ungrateful because I am sliding into a financial grave? All I want to do is pay my bills and maybe, maybe take a vacation every couple years. (ok, I would like a little more than that) I can pretend to be happy in spite of everything, which basically is what I have been doing for the last couple years. Well I 'm sick of it. Do I have bad Karma? Well maybe I'll get this job so I can be greatful that I'm just making it.

Whatever

The interview went well, as far as interviews go. It was held at one of the sleep centers, now I have to make an appointment at the office now to take a tour and see how things function, but I can't get through on their phones. That is not a good sign. I think the tour is as much for them to check me out as me them. I'm so sleepy all the time, I just don't have any feeling about anything.

I didn't get home until 6:30, I was suppose to help someone at 6:30, so I thought I will make dinner then go. Well my son blasted me with we don't have anything to eat. He ate all the bread (we helped) and he is sick of bean soup. I said make spaghetti, he yelled at me that he hates spaghetti. i suppose if I had remembered there was fish in the freezer he would have hated that too. So I asked him what he wanted me to buy at the store and he said.......food! So I made Macaroni and breadcrumbs (because Greg is the only one that really likes spaghetti), spanish rice and rice and chili beans. Is that enough starch for ya? I'm out of lettuce, and vegetables, and basically every other food group and payday is today, but I have church tonight, so I can't shop until tomorrow. I can hardly wait to shop on a Saturday, you have to go really early to avoid the crowds and then I can't sleep in. Well we didn't eat until 7:45. So much for helping anyone at that time, I went to bed at 8:30.

I slept 10 hours last night and its 11:00 and I can hardly keep my eyes open. I think I'm depressed.

I have a job interview

I have a job interview today. I hate job interviews. Especially when I really don't want to work full time. I don't know how you do everything when you work full time and not have any days off during the week. Especially when I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I took one of those tests that tells you where you would excel, mine said I should be a music video producer. Just where does one get that kind of work? I bet the pay is good! So off I go to work and then to an interview none of which I am overly excited about. So I will think about the paycheck, because after all that is why I work anyway. If I get this job, I am going to need a wife who can cook, do laundry and pay the bills. I'll still raise the kids, after all that is the best job I've ever had.

Things that bother me...ok I'm whining, you've been warned

* I can never keep my house clutter free for more than one day.

* I dragged the garbage cans to the end of the street and my husband didn't offer to help.

* My kids are so busy they are not home long enough to do anything.

* My job is just that a J O B

* I can't lose weight fast enough and everyone thinks their way is the best way.

* God doesn't like me. Really, I'm over here begging and......nothin. I've been praying for more work. I pick up one day a week and my car needs fixed to the tune of $371.47. He gaveth and then took more than he gave.

* COULD SOMEBODY P L E A S E SCOOP THE KITTY LITTER.

* I miss my mom.

OMG your not going to believe this

I was on the computer and decided I really should start posting something, so I went to type in my blog stuff and could not remember the name of it. I didn't know how to get in. So I typed in menopausal because I remembered that it had something to do with menopause and there were 26,487 choices. I have to work in the morning and didn't have the time to go through 26,000 blogs, let alone read about that many menopausal women! Yikes. So then I thought well I'll put my name in and see if I can find me that way, and that produced some 580 Michelle's. Ok so now I'm feeling stupid and I'm tired and I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. Who starts a blog and then can't find it? Ok so now I'm so desperate that I wake my 17 year old daughter who has a 100 degree fever and ask her if she can remember what my blog name is. She says its a menopausal view, I said no no no, thats Nikol, she has a view. So I finally narrowed my search and found me! But now I can't get in, because I didn't go to the right place. I was on the outside looking in like the rest of you. So now I can read my lame blog, but I can't add anything because I can't remember how to get there. I finally figured it out and now I'm here, telling all of you what an adventure I had. whew! I'm tired I think I'll go to bed now.

I'm still me!

When I was little I would go to sleep at night and wish that I would wake up and be someone else, and every morning I would wake up and still be me. And I thought, how am I going to be me all these years. What will I be like when I'm 30, how could I possibly still be me at 40? When you are 8 or 9 this is huge. I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up, I just was! So here I am 49, and I am still me, and ya know what? I'm not so bad!